Wooh Baseball! Phillies rock the Yankmes.

As more people than I imagine know the Philadelphia Phillies totally rocked the New York Yankees in a game one rout, with a complete game by Cliff Lee for a 6-1 victory.  Since I am tired from cheering my heart out I leave you with the following pictures:

Standard Routine for the Yankmes

What Should Happen to All Yankme Equipment

Shit Happens

New 2010 Logo

Philly Pride

AND LEST THEY FORGET:

*breaks to Utley*

World Phucking Champs

That’s right we are the WORLD PHUCKING CHAMPIONS and soon to be repeat offenders.

Plus we have hotter fans:

We Have THE Best Fans.... What Can I Say?

A Day In The Life of a Single College Student

McDonald's - Heaven or Hell

*Abnormally loud ringtone alarm goes off*

*Me Thinks Fuck It’s 10:00 am already*

*Rolls to other side of room to turn off phone*

As I arise and stretch my fatigued muscles, I realize today is going to be a good day. Well how couldn’t it be right— no classes, and work at 6pm. The daily routines of showering, grumbling, eating, brushing the teeth all occur. Since I had some money in the bank— and being American I had to spend it— I decided to go to the mall.  I have some fun making random chatter with several strangers and finally buy a badass jacket from Tilly’s.

Fyasko Jacket of Awesomeness

After exiting in style and shocking a few people by asking  if they knew where I could buy some spermicide for my boyfriend (jokingly), I waltzed out to my car and drove off back to my house. I get dressed for the night of hellish work I expect.

After I clock in I endure a long 6.5 hour shift where all I do is cook, burn my hands, prepare food, or totally screw with peoples’ food.  Yes that’s right we fuck with your food!  You know the movie Waiting? Well if you don’t I suggest you watch it, but if you do know it we do worse stuff. That movie was a mild interpretation of what happens in every McDonald’s restaurant. If you are a huge McD fan, just go with the nuggets & fries and you are set .  Oh and don’t think we do this to everyone, because we don’t, we only fuck with the people who need 100 big macs with special orders for each one (or am I just luring you into a false sense of security—- you decide MWAHAHHAHAH).

MWAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Well I’m tired, so peace my negroes, hopefully you’ll get a more exciting post tomorrow (I’ll make ish happen).

Driving- The Experience

I wake up around 8:00 with my arms extending into space as if I just was inches from grabbing back the one necessity you can never have enough of, beauty sleep.  As I arose I let out a shrill cry for BRAIIIIIIIIINNNNSSSS. Yes I felt like a zombie  this morning, so I had to let everyone in a 10 block radius know it.  After the hysteria of a possible zombie apocalypse subsided, I stumbled into the shower. After sliding on clothes and flopping down 14 torturous steps I had to choose OJ or Apple Juice. Most people would say Apple Juice “cause OJ will kill you”, but since I’m not Nicole Simpson or Ronald Goldman I got a big ol’ glass of it. (too soon? oohhhh)

I dragged my seemingly atrophied legs into my truck and drive off to college. It goes smoothly. Enter truck. Scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK. I forgot to turn off the lights. Try to start up the truck. Wooh! Success. I bolt to the nearest gas station only to hear THUMP! I park it immediately and notice 4/5 lug nuts on my passenger side front tire were sheared straight off, making my further travel impossible.  I sigh and have AAA tow me away to my mechanic of choice. I hate driving more than mayonnaise…and I hate mayonnaise.

So my day went great, how about yours?

 

 

 

Paranormal Activity: The Movie, The Experience, The Rip Off

Average viewer of Paranormal Activity

As I approach the theater entrance, I evade the preteens running to their mommy’s minivan who just saw the “SCARIEST MOVIE EVER” and mutter some words of disgust. I notice I am not longer alone, but followed by several other adult movie goers who are ready for the ultimate scarefest that was made on a ridiculous 11000 dollar movie budget. All 10 of us cram into a theater prepared for the movie of our lives, and sure enough we got the horror flick of a lifetime–that is if the point of the movie was for the viewer to debate what was scarier, the movie or that he/she has just wasted 86 minutes of your life.

If time was garbage this is how much you waste on Paranormal Activity

I swear this movie was so disappointing it must have been another one of Bernie Madoff’s schemes that the government has yet to bust.  This production, I mean slop has no reason to have exploited the mass of America.  America please wake up! The directors, actors, and producers should be paying you to watch this nightmare of a movie.  I have not felt more violated since my uncle… er never mind. But to get to the point the budget shows exactly what you would think, horrible acting coinciding with Cloverfield scene-shooting styles.

However, I tolerated this movie and watched it from start to finish, and like the rest of the massive audience, I sighed a sigh of relief once this movie was over. I could get more satisfaction from watching the erosion of beaches, watching grass grow, or even puppies dying–and I love puppies– than I could ever from this craptacular film.

Since it didn’t live up to the hype I had hoped, I guess I’ll try to be positive and tell you something good about the film.  Katie Featherston is hottttttttttt, and all those extra t’s are the amount of thousands of babies I’d eat to tap that ass. Throughout the movie they use the allure of her woman parts to make you stay focused.  So bravo Mr. Director, you win my heart in this aspect.

Tonight: Fright Night Round 2

Reports say this man saw Paranormal Activity

So I’m going to go see Paranormal activity and hope to shit myself in pure fright… Since it is a film made with a whole 11000 dollars I am going in open minded.  I have heard two extreme sides of the spectrum on how this movie is— extremely scary/suspenseful and absolute blair-witch garbage. I was up half of last night after watching Saw VI, not out of fear, but because my whiny female friend was afraid of the ghosties in Paranormal Activity.  After she settled down my thirst for fear sunk in and edged me to go tonight. The gears within my mind started grinding against each other, and a plan formed within my mind (oh yes I am a robot). I need to make tonight like last night.

Regardless of what happens, I want this movie to live up to its marketed scary-factor. From what everyone is describing it as it seems that not even a bad acid trip from hell can compare to it.  I don’t know much about it but at least it should be worth the prime time ticket costs I am forking over. Well I’ll inform you on the movie after I see it. Peace my homie g’s.

Saw VI- The Single Man Experience

Saw VI

So tonight at 10:30 pm,  I totally went to see this blood & gore film for fun as an act of enjoying my single life.  After I passed the rigorous security I whipped out my contraband snacks— reese’s pieces and a cherry amp energy drink– and began to watch the flick.  Immediately, the film submerges you into the bloody reality of the suffering that the unfortunate fellows captured must deal with. I was pleasant to see that the first task was cutting more flesh from your body than your opponent, or have s metal screws drill into your brain. I chuckled aloud as a fat fellow began slicing fat folds off of his stomach in a homemade liposuction sort of manner. Of course the female opponent hacks off her arm with a butcher’s knife after realizing a simple partially serrated blade would not do the trick.  Of course by this time everyone in the movie theater began to move further and further away from the insane patron laughing whilst eating his reese’s pieces.

Artist's detailed drawing of the event

The saga continues with a high up medical insurance company staff member having to complete tasks or have his limbs blown off (LAME!).  He first has to battle a smoker in a breath-holding contest, loser loses his chest cavity.  As a normal member of the audience I hold my breath to compete with the two as if I’m in contention to lose the precious space between my arms. I kick their asses and watch the smoker fall victim to the pressing mechanisms.  Mr. Insurance trudges on and has to choose who to let die for his next task. He saves some old bitty and lets Mohammad the Muslim die by razor wire hanging.   Super Lame.  He continues onward after bitching and finds his company secretary with a device that is about to shoot a metal pike through her face up into her brains.  Some suffering with steam occurs with the dumb chick eventually having her mind blown.

Thinking this out results with the same effect as the lawyer

Continuing onward he finds his staff of 6 people and decides to save 2 of them by taking a drill bit to the back of the hand. The other four die by russian shotgun roulette, and in case you don’t know shotguns are not good for roulette purposes.  Lastly he believes he is safe and he finds the family of some dude whose health insurance claim he rejected years prior. Mr. Insurance dies via injection of HF, yes hydrofluoric acid . He melts.  Meanwhile this really lame Jigsaw supremacy dispute is occurring and it ends up with this one meathead having half of his jaw ripped off. End of film. Decent gore. Decent blood. Great ingenuity on some of the torture.

I stand up seeing that everyone has ran out the movie theater to escape my maniacal laughter as they realize they were trapped in with me.  I edged slowly toward them, smiled, and then revealed that the doors were push, not pull. A sigh of relief was passed throughtout the theater and I walked to my car, satisfied of scaring people more than the movie.